Charmed

November 17, 2010

It is my pleasure to present to you the first negative comment I’ve ever received on this wee Blog of mine:

“Grow up…you’re a flake. The future is going to disappoint you.” – Random Guy

Yikes!

I must have really annoyed this guy to warrant him actually taking the time to write something so negative, Or perhaps he’s concerned? Who knows!

Rather being all offended, this comment got me thinking;

So, ‘Random Guy’ (and all other ‘random guys’ out there) maybe I will be disappointed by the world, maybe I won’t, maybe I really will find that big love, and maybe I won’t. But I think in this life all we really have is hope. You never can tell whats around the corner! 

I’m amused you think I’ll be let down, but isn’t that my lesson to learn? I cannot believe you had the audacity to try and rain on my possibly unrealistic parade. I can criticise myself quite sufficiently thank-you very much, I don’t need some stranger taking amateur shots, I’m a seasoned pro, I’m a  female!

And you know what? What if life does hand me lemons? Then I’ll find a great recipe, and I’ll make the best lemonade you EVER tasted! Because if I don’t make lemonade (and believe me, sometimes I just wanna do tequila shots)  then I’ll probably put on a pair of awful track pants with an elastic waist and curl up in a corner and die, because sometimes its horribly lonely out here, and you feel like your just sort of floating along, but sometimes you feel amazed. And in those moments, you somehow just know that it’s all going to be OK.

Oh, and ‘Random Guy’ – nice move owning your shit. What a fucking coward.

Sending love to all of those who have been so incredibly supportive.

Jecca xx

Advertisements

It had just been one of those shitty weeks. Everything absolutely sucked. YOU know what I’m talking about, you wake up all pissy and sad, and cannot do anything to pull yourself out of the gigantic black hole that you feel half consumed by.

I was struggling the most because I’m supposed to be loving life, I’m traveling and experiencing wonderful things. Unfortunately the reality is when you travel you still have moments of sadness or whatever, because guess what? You are traveling with YOU. You are the exact same person you have always been –  Just because you’re on a different continent doesn’t mean you’re a different person!

When things get this bad for me normally I take stock of what the problem is, give myself a decent pep talk, get some perspective and then rationality comes back and things go back to normal.

Not this time, Oh how I tried! Tried with all my might, but this was a biggie, I think I spent the entire week hanging onto the ledge by my fingernails, hoping to god I would eventually get the strength to pull myself back up.  

Well I did, and the clouds have cleared and I can see past the black dots now.

 Now,  it’s not like I have depression or anything, I’m not medicated, but about once a year this strange depression thing happens, and I think it’s a good thing. It’s a good thing because then I know I’m present and feeling something, keeping myself in check. I refuse to be on autopilot like a lot of people. My biggest fear is to wake up when I’m 35 and realise that I’ve been drifting through this life, showering, eating, working, sleeping and wondering where the fuck the last 10 years went…how awful and sad.

So, I’ve sort of realised that while there are things/people who may disappoint and anger you, let it be a lesson in how you want to live your life/ want your life to look like. Rise above it, feel what you need to feel because that is great, but always try to keep yourself in check, keep challenging and changing, because that is the only way that we really can learn anything at all.

And to my Godmother, on my darkest day, these few sentences saved me:

“Always there will be lows after highs, maybe think of it as a re-grouping bit of resting before the next adventure. If you let it get to you…it will be ten times the problem, and it is life that some people will always behave under the line of accepted behavior. No matter what you do. But let it be their failing and not your worry. I know just how hard this is, and how alone the situation can be. You will be gone to the next city and next bit of life before you know it.” – My Fairy Godmother

Oh! And of course, if your feeling that wretched, TALK to someone about it, it really really really does help. As they say, a problem shared is a problem halved.

Hang in there my darlings

Jecca xx

Fairytales?

November 5, 2010

Last Sunday was spent with family friends who have small children, so we made a fort/nest on the living room floor and watched Disney movies all day, I bloody LOVE Disney, so I was in my element!

We watched The Little Mermaid, and it got me to thinking, does this actually exist? The all encompassing love, The kind of love that Taylor Swift sings about (my god I want to live in one of her music videos, it’s all cute boys and lovely long curly hair, with perfectly applied red lipstick!)

Can it exist in the modern times we live in? The GREAT love that totally and completely blinds you, like WHAM, you’re in LOVE! 

I mean, my parents have a great marriage, and are still very happy 28 years later, but that’s becoming very rare these days!  

I’m pretty sure it exists, and I hold on to the hope that I will one day find it. I guess all you can really do is keep putting yourself out there, and jump in with both feet, let go of the cynicism and just hope that the Universe has a master plan, or something! SOMETHING! 

Anyone want to share a story of  love? Go on, keep us all believing!

Jecc xx

So I had been thinking about Mr. Swooney a lot. I had seen him recently and he made my stomach go all wriggly, to be honest I was surprised! I’m trying to stay free and unattached. My travel plans change rapidly and I’m all over the place, so I try to keep things simple. 

But honestly, if I meet the right guy, I could easily change my plans.  

So for the first time in my life I took a shot, leapt off the edge, went for it, took the plunge, put myself out there. And all of those bold and brave things.

I sent him a cute and witty message, it was to the point and no pressure. I basically said I thought he was a great guy and I liked hanging out with him, that I was interested and bla bla bla.

It’s been 2 weeks and I haven’t heard a thing.

Not a peep, Zip, Nien, Nada, Nothing.

Now, I do know he is painfully shy, so could this be it? Could my casual message still have freaked him out? Sent him packing never to be seen again? Is he now living in a shack in Timbuktu, hiding under the covers drinking whiskey? Who knows?! Maybe I never will.

And here is the worst part, the part ALL of you can relate to, I have INSTANTLY gone to the place of ‘he think’s I’m fat and ugly.’ My self-worth has plummeted. Instant self blame.

But I’m fighting this horrid natural inclination with everything I have. I just have to let it be, not over analyse and just trust that there is a reason why this didn’t work out (it better be a fucking good one)

I’m not going to be set back by this, I still have faith in Love/Lust/One night stands.

It was actually kinda cool putting myself out there, try it, I DARE you.

Better to know than be left wondering!

Jecc xx

I just turned 26, and it’s been exactly a year since the break up.

When I was younger I had some pretty cookie-cutter ideas about what 26 should look like.  Fortunatley my reality is quite different from my younger, idealistic fantasy. 

And you know what…

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Lalalalalala

 Jecca xx

His Friend: Yo, I think our boy has a thing for you

Me: (silently jumping up and down and squealing inside my brain) Really? Wow, he’s really good-looking, are you sure?

His Friend: Don’t so be ridiculous, of course he does

Me: OK, ummm, I’m really flattered, we’ll see what happens I guess!

Two hours later…..(and way too much red wine)

Him: You like to kiss a lot don’t you

Me: Yes, ummm why, is it bothering you?

Him: God no, where have you been all my life?

If I hadn’t already been lying down I would have fallen over.

To be honest I couldn’t STOP kissing him if I wanted to, he was honestly the nicest, kindest, most handsome and strapping dude I have ever had the good fortune to kiss. I could not believe my luck! There is something so very powerful about a guy who is so physically….strapping, but who is SO NICE and DECENT! It was the funnest night ever, lots of face holding, kissing, lifting me up, flirting, tickles, spooning and talking.

This guy was like the jackpot!

Ding Ding we have a winner!

I wonder if I’ll see him again…

xx

Hello my Dears,

And yes, before you scold me, I know I’ve been slack, but I haven’t quite known where to begin with what is happening in my life.

So I’m just gonna say it.

I’m moving to the USA.

!

!

!

Finally!

I’m finally doing it and I leave in exactly 10 days.

I feel great about this, I also feel completely overwhelmed, excited, swooney…amped and amazed. Yup, all of those things and MORE!

For the first time in a long time I’m going to be completely FREE, free to do whatever I like, go wherever I like and just live and be open to the possibility of whatever, WHATEVER!

I have a date with Freedom and I’m gonna nail it!

Sorry, I can’t believe I just said that, I think I got a little carried away.

Come fly with me my darlings!

xx

Spinning

June 28, 2010

Yes, I have been hiding.

Hiding from myself and the world.

I feel like time has sped up, my head is spinning.

Spinning.

I haven’t felt like writing, don’t know what I want to write so I’m just going to type and see where this goes…stick with me now my darlings.

Mr. Argentina and his friends left last week and I was so sad, even though I tried to be tough.

He held me and wiped away my tears, just like in the movies, he told me I was amazing and that he would miss me too, but that we would see each other again sometime in the near future. I believe him.

I’m much better now, but I am really missing them still, missing his company, but I will be just fine, I’ve already lived through bad things and know that this is just a sad few days.

You might be thinking I’m being dramatic, that I should just toughen up and get on with it, but you don’t understand, I fall in love with people VERY easily. Not boys in particular, but People. I could fall for a girl in 5 minutes and be best friends with her for the rest of my life. That’s how easily I fall, and there is nothing wrong with that, it’s just me. I trust somebody right from the beginning, give them everything and then if they fuck it up, then I back away, I start with high expectations and then hope for the best. Am I naive? Yes probably, but I think it’s nice not to be so fucking guarded, everyone is guarded these days, playing games and being cruel. Just be nice, expect the best from people and most of the time that is what you will get, you generally get back what you perpetuate. Call it Karma, call it whatevs, I don’t care, just don’t be so guarded. Yes, you might get hurt, but guess what? You will survive! Amazing isn’t it? Have a little faith in yourself and your capabilities, you might be pleasantly surprised (or massively disappointed, sorry if you are!)

I’ve also observed some weird things in the last few weeks, things which have made me question people’s happiness. From what I’ve seen unhappiness can manifest in weird ways and can result in very odd behavior, unhappiness can turn you into someone you’re NOT.

If you are unhappy then do something about it, and quickly…before you turn up to work one day with a shotgun hidden down your bra/pants.

I’m going to try to stop spinning now, I’ve indulged myself for a few days but that’s quite enough.

Be happy my dears

Jecc xx

Reckless Abandon

June 8, 2010

Last Tuesday Mr. Argentina and his buddies where going away for the night, they really wanted me to go along, but I had work.

I wrestled with myself for about 40 seconds before I decided, I thought “fuck it” I’m gonna go, be reckless, abandon my responsibilities at work and just leave for 24 hours, I was sold! Then I lied and told Mr Argentina I would think about it. And yes, game playing is absolute shit, and horrid, but sometimes a girl just wants to play! This was nice game playing, not mean game playing.

Anyways, I digress (as per usual)

I went away, it was fun, I bonded with one of his close female friends and it was so cool. Mr Argentina and I even got to play grown-ups and have our own room at the hostel we stayed at (yes, I stayed at a hostel, I’m into trying new things at the moment, and it ain’t so bad!) He was all carrying my luggage, opening doors and leading the way…very ‘Mr Argentina takes charge’ and I was loving it. Every single second.

I’ve always thought there was something SO awesome about staying in a hotel with a lover (Lover? What am I? Joan Collins?!) anyways, it’s like you can be somebody else, and you get to see them out of their comfort zone…all vulnerable in a new place, negotiating maps, talking to strangers and asking for advice, jumping on the bed together…will you both eat from the mini bar? Will you change your name when you meet strangers? Who KNOWS! The possibilities are endless! ENDLESS!

I must credit the legendary Tim Walker for this amazing picture.

Go away, step out of your life, even if it’s just for the night!

I Double Double DARE YOU!

Jecc xx

Bad Behavior…?

May 24, 2010

Morning lovelies!

I had an amazing weekend, want to know how it started?

I had an epic make-out session with someone a wee bit younger than me (which is not normally my style).

Bad behavior? Perhaps! Fucking fun as? You got it sister! Inappropriate/should know better? Hells yes! Do I care? NOPE!

It’s these moments that you really enjoy being single, makes you want to giggle and jump around!

He was SOOOOO good-looking. Most amazing eyes have seen in a long time, all doe eyed with impossibly long lashes and a totally cute smile. He told me he thought I was sexy, beautiful and that I looked like I was 22. That’s all VERY flattering, but he’s only 18. His opinion can’t really be fully formed yet right? But hey, nothing like a little validation!

More importantly, When did 18-year-old’s get SO confident? This guy was with about 8 of his friends, and they were all pulling one-liners on me and being very persistent…it was totally ridiculous. When I was 18, I was all about bad fringes and wearing slouch socks. I was way too scared to talk to/hit on 25 year old’s! When did the youth of today learn to hold their own? How scary! Maybe I should take a page out of their book, be a little more daring and confident and say outrageously flattering things to strangers.

Maybe I will….

You are an amazing, gorgeous and perfect person!

xx