Things are looking up, It must be all of that fresh snow Vancouver had over the weekend. Along with the wonderful whiteness comes a sense of quiet and calm.

A few favorite things over the past few weeks:

  • Receiving Letters
  • Family SKYPE dates
  • Watching my sister go through an incredibly tough time with grace, dignity and clarity. My god I miss you!
  • Friends who have good news
  • Trip planning
  • New Friends who you just LOVE instantly
  • Listening to Katy Perry’s ‘Firework’ – if you’re having a shitty day, LISTEN to it. Katy, you’re so bloody brilliant
  • People you can rely on who offer help and advice when you feel completely lost
  • My friend Sam. Just…thank you
  • Long conversations with my Grandparents on snowy Sunday afternoons and realising  just how similar we are.
  • My Grandma showing me off to all of her friends at Church
  • Doing things purely for love – yes, I actually went to Church!
  • Fresh snow
  • Going to Ice Hockey games
  • Possible hangout’s with boys
  • Collecting pictures and ideas for my dream home – for when I become a grown up
  • TREEHOUSES (totally and completely obsessed)

Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse, the best!!

Aren’t they lovely!

Love Jecca xx

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Charmed

November 17, 2010

It is my pleasure to present to you the first negative comment I’ve ever received on this wee Blog of mine:

“Grow up…you’re a flake. The future is going to disappoint you.” – Random Guy

Yikes!

I must have really annoyed this guy to warrant him actually taking the time to write something so negative, Or perhaps he’s concerned? Who knows!

Rather being all offended, this comment got me thinking;

So, ‘Random Guy’ (and all other ‘random guys’ out there) maybe I will be disappointed by the world, maybe I won’t, maybe I really will find that big love, and maybe I won’t. But I think in this life all we really have is hope. You never can tell whats around the corner! 

I’m amused you think I’ll be let down, but isn’t that my lesson to learn? I cannot believe you had the audacity to try and rain on my possibly unrealistic parade. I can criticise myself quite sufficiently thank-you very much, I don’t need some stranger taking amateur shots, I’m a seasoned pro, I’m a  female!

And you know what? What if life does hand me lemons? Then I’ll find a great recipe, and I’ll make the best lemonade you EVER tasted! Because if I don’t make lemonade (and believe me, sometimes I just wanna do tequila shots)  then I’ll probably put on a pair of awful track pants with an elastic waist and curl up in a corner and die, because sometimes its horribly lonely out here, and you feel like your just sort of floating along, but sometimes you feel amazed. And in those moments, you somehow just know that it’s all going to be OK.

Oh, and ‘Random Guy’ – nice move owning your shit. What a fucking coward.

Sending love to all of those who have been so incredibly supportive.

Jecca xx

For Desire

November 10, 2010

Ellen Von Unwerth

Give me the strongest cheese, the one that stinks best;
and I want the good wine, the swirl in crystal
surrendering the bruised scent of blackberries,
or cherries, the rich spurt in the back
of the throat, the holding it there before swallowing.
Give me the lover who yanks open the door
of his house and presses me to the wall
in the dim hallway, and keeps me there until I’m drenched
and shaking, whose kisses arrive by the boatload
and begin their delicious diaspora
through the cities and small towns of my body.
To hell with the saints, with martyrs
of my childhood meant to instruct me
in the power of endurance and faith,
to hell with the next world and its pallid angels
swooning and sighing like Victorian girls.
I want this world. I want to walk into
the ocean and feel it trying to drag me along
like I’m nothing but a broken bit of scratched glass,
and I want to resist it. I want to go
staggering and flailing my way
through the bars and back rooms,
through the gleaming hotels and weedy
lots of abandoned sunflowers and the parks
where dogs are let off their leashes
in spite of the signs, where they sniff each
other and roll together in the grass, I want to
lie down somewhere and suffer for love until
it nearly kills me, and then I want to get up again
and put on that little black dress and wait
for you, yes you, to come over here
and get down on your knees and tell me
just how fucking good I look
– Kim Addonizio

It had just been one of those shitty weeks. Everything absolutely sucked. YOU know what I’m talking about, you wake up all pissy and sad, and cannot do anything to pull yourself out of the gigantic black hole that you feel half consumed by.

I was struggling the most because I’m supposed to be loving life, I’m traveling and experiencing wonderful things. Unfortunately the reality is when you travel you still have moments of sadness or whatever, because guess what? You are traveling with YOU. You are the exact same person you have always been –  Just because you’re on a different continent doesn’t mean you’re a different person!

When things get this bad for me normally I take stock of what the problem is, give myself a decent pep talk, get some perspective and then rationality comes back and things go back to normal.

Not this time, Oh how I tried! Tried with all my might, but this was a biggie, I think I spent the entire week hanging onto the ledge by my fingernails, hoping to god I would eventually get the strength to pull myself back up.  

Well I did, and the clouds have cleared and I can see past the black dots now.

 Now,  it’s not like I have depression or anything, I’m not medicated, but about once a year this strange depression thing happens, and I think it’s a good thing. It’s a good thing because then I know I’m present and feeling something, keeping myself in check. I refuse to be on autopilot like a lot of people. My biggest fear is to wake up when I’m 35 and realise that I’ve been drifting through this life, showering, eating, working, sleeping and wondering where the fuck the last 10 years went…how awful and sad.

So, I’ve sort of realised that while there are things/people who may disappoint and anger you, let it be a lesson in how you want to live your life/ want your life to look like. Rise above it, feel what you need to feel because that is great, but always try to keep yourself in check, keep challenging and changing, because that is the only way that we really can learn anything at all.

And to my Godmother, on my darkest day, these few sentences saved me:

“Always there will be lows after highs, maybe think of it as a re-grouping bit of resting before the next adventure. If you let it get to you…it will be ten times the problem, and it is life that some people will always behave under the line of accepted behavior. No matter what you do. But let it be their failing and not your worry. I know just how hard this is, and how alone the situation can be. You will be gone to the next city and next bit of life before you know it.” – My Fairy Godmother

Oh! And of course, if your feeling that wretched, TALK to someone about it, it really really really does help. As they say, a problem shared is a problem halved.

Hang in there my darlings

Jecca xx

Fairytales?

November 5, 2010

Last Sunday was spent with family friends who have small children, so we made a fort/nest on the living room floor and watched Disney movies all day, I bloody LOVE Disney, so I was in my element!

We watched The Little Mermaid, and it got me to thinking, does this actually exist? The all encompassing love, The kind of love that Taylor Swift sings about (my god I want to live in one of her music videos, it’s all cute boys and lovely long curly hair, with perfectly applied red lipstick!)

Can it exist in the modern times we live in? The GREAT love that totally and completely blinds you, like WHAM, you’re in LOVE! 

I mean, my parents have a great marriage, and are still very happy 28 years later, but that’s becoming very rare these days!  

I’m pretty sure it exists, and I hold on to the hope that I will one day find it. I guess all you can really do is keep putting yourself out there, and jump in with both feet, let go of the cynicism and just hope that the Universe has a master plan, or something! SOMETHING! 

Anyone want to share a story of  love? Go on, keep us all believing!

Jecc xx